The Tits and Giggles

We’ve all seen them. We have all encountered them at a work event, a high school football game, and most often the bars and clubs where we go to have a good time.

Then there they are. As normal girls we resent them, not out of jealousy or malice, but because we want them to shut the hell up.

These girls are fairly easy to spot, and once you see them, you can’t ignore them. They are raging Barbie wannabes of estrogen. They stick out their chest, regardless of their cup size, and they giggle, and whoop and holler as if everything is hysterical and they do this as if it is going to be the last chance they have to laugh again.

They are the girls who get the attention of every potential male in the room. They have no regard for the relationship status of a man, they are there to conquer other women, and capture new male prey. They will eat you alive, and go back to the bar for another over-priced top shelf drink which tastes like kool-aid. Wash. Rise. Repeat.

The worst aspect of the Tits and Giggles, as we started calling them 12 years ago, is that they do not know their behavior makes all women look vapid and useless. They take generations of women’s lib and throw it out the window as quickly as they remove their bra for a drunken one night stand. They act stupid because they think that is how women should act.

They are wrong.

The Tits and Giggles take an approach to life that is best left to frat boys, and even they shouldn’t be doing it.

Their high pitched squeals have ruined many a pleasant night with friends at a bar or a club. They wear the short skirts, and cleavage revealing tops which gain the stares of everyone, and then they get pissed about it. Don’t touch them, I have a secret suspicion they are all contagious and the Tits and Giggles pathogen is spreading, because there is never just one of them. They come in pairs to full troops of women in heels and skirts that should never been seen outside of the strip club, and they leave a trail of mascara stained tears in their wake.

They mean no harm. But I have always heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So now we will leave you with a guide to spotting the wild Tits and Giggles.

1. Not every girl in a short skirt is one. Tits and Giggles will bend over, with the possibility of you seeing up their skirt rather than squat.
2. If they are wearing no underwear there is a 99% likelihood of their Tits and Giggles status.
3. Dramatic and frequent hair flips, while smiling and batting their eyelashes, is usually a dead give away.
4. They always say they can drink a lot, but are always “Oh so drunk off of this one little drink…”
5. They will always wear heels, and never carry a jacket, even if it is only 15 degrees outside in the idle of the worst blizzard in a century. You will know they are a Tits and Giggles because they will frequently complain they are cold.
6. Frequent and unnecessary touching of anyone within arms-length. They do this to pull the attention back to themselves. Because in the world of a Tits and Giggles there is only them, and their one ugly friend.
7. They act extremely stupid, yet usually have a college degree, and at times graduate degrees. (However this information is top secret, and they will tell you they just want to find a nice guy to take care of them. They are artists in the world of manipulation for free drinks, etc.)
8. They never go anywhere without makeup and back-up makeup to reapply throughout the night, so as to always look their best.
9. They will never hesitate when getting in cars with strangers, because they believe that they are immune to everything negative, but they would never be caught hitchhiking. They are invited or invite themselves.
10. The Tit’s and Giggles can make you feel like you are the only person in the room, you will buy them drinks, and then without knowing how, they are off to another person and you will never see it coming.

Be wary of the Tits and Giggles. While they can be fun to laugh at as they stubble through their strange mating habits, you do not want to be caught in their path. If you are unfortunate enough to be trapped by one. Stay calm. Giggle, and drink like a fish. Eventually your friends will find you.

There is unfortunately no cure, save getting them away from both alcohol, designer clothing, and other women.

Good luck out there.